For all those who have fallen in love with someone that didn't exist, enjoy this playlist, with excerpts from my upcoming book.-Monique
Scared to Be Lonely- Dua Lipa
- I thought his rejection had shown me real pain. However, that was nothing compared to the pain I felt when I realized he was only with me because he was afraid nobody else would want him. At that moment I felt my soul shatter. I was neither worth my own breath, nor was I worth consideration as a whole person. Instead I had been reduced to the role of preventing someone’s ego from drowning in the sea of reality.
I Caught Myself- Paramore
- I knew he was not what I wanted from the moment he kissed my lips. His way of being clashed completely with the man I had created in my mind. He was too rough with his hands, his laugh was off, his words were not reassuring, and his eyes had no life behind them. The silences were not comfortable and the conversations were forced. His presence was so off putting I automatically missed the man I had left to be with him. The disappointment was so jarring I was brought to tears. Strangely, he was able to embrace me with his whole body- I was enveloped in a warm energy. When I would feel him nuzzle the nape of my neck from behind, my whole body would chill over. His nose running up my neck and stopping to rub my cheek as he kissed it made me question everything else I hated about him. I began wondering if I was imagining the fact that he did not seem to care about my problems, or if his hygiene really did make my stomach churn. I did not know if he really was all talk, or perhaps I was too quick to judge. My gut became useless, as him making it spin out of control made it impossible to listen to it. We spent the night together, and although I had wanted it for so long, I did not feel the need to sleep in an embrace with him. I did not feel the desire to lay my head on his chest and feel his heartbeat. It was as if I was forcing myself to be there- but had been so lost in my own fantasy about who this person was that I couldn’t hear what my subconscious was screaming at me. I kept telling myself it would get better, that I would feel something as long as I stuck around. But the feeling of want and need evaded me-that is-until I had to leave. What does it say about us, that I only feel a connection with you when we are thousands of miles apart? That I only feel an obligation, devotion to you when we are not physically together?
End Game- Taylor Swift
- Rejection is an insidious phenomenon that allows self-doubt to come forward from your subconscious and gives it the will to fester inside your mind. It then grows like a cancer, infects every part of you- even the strongest parts. As humans we want the things that rebuff us. Not because we are idiotic or like pain, but because we cannot understand why, when given the most precious parts of us, someone can disregard them so easily. We expect good in this world, even if we know the bad runs it. Therefore, we tend to punish ourselves by expecting the worst and eventually believing it is what we deserve. We desire to be someone’s treasure. We hope to God that one day the person we hold dear will see us for what we are. That they will take our devotion as an honor and figure out that we are the final stop. The thing about life is that it is not a game that can be won- not on our own terms at least. And if it were, we would never stop playing.
Salted Wound- Sia
- People will say it is a trap to love someone who does not love you back. But it is one of the most freeing things a human being can experience. Because it forces us to be our most honest, broken, and human selves. When you love someone without reservations, pride becomes a word that is not in your vocabulary. You act in ways that demean you, work towards goals that are not for your happiness, and yearn for the approval of someone who is not worth a single thought. As painful and humiliating as this experience is, it allows you to both experience the worst things about being human and the best things about being human. It teaches us that red blood flows through our bodies that our hearts can beat with a purpose. It hurts like nothing else, and shows us that we are weak and flawed. It shows us we are not worthy of love, while confirming that we are. By giving our selves wholly over to someone we are both scaring and cleansing our souls. Imagine, if you are able to give so much of yourself to someone that does not reciprocate or appreciate it- then just how much will you be able to give, appreciate, and experience with someone who sees you for the prize that you are?
Style- Taylor Swift
- I spent my days justifying the actions of someone who did not even exist. In my head, however, he was as real as anyone I had ever met. The dramas I made in my mind surrounding this person fueled my love for this idea of a man. I used my feelings and the back and forth of our relationship along with our years coming back to each other over and over again as justification to fall further in love with this idea of him. And it seemed that even though every break up was earth shattering and soul crushing, every reunion was less enthusiastic, less life altering on his part. As if the life force of our shared pain was never-ending and the life force of any good we once had was burning out with every interaction. I began this journey with all the power and all his devotion. However, the more I rejected him the less he trusted me. When the trust was spent I could still lure him into my web- but it would take longer and longer, and it would cost me more and more.
The Heart Wants What It Wants- Selena Gomez
- I never knew true pain until I experienced loving someone that couldn’t care less if I was dead or alive. It sounds dramatic, but in this case he really could not have cared less. I never felt so unseen. So ugly and so useless. I heard my voice talking to him, but I did not recognize who was speaking. My light was dim, and his indifference was deep seated and malicious. His words were injurious and it took all my might to drag them out of him. I wanted to curl up into myself, but I could not stop. I would die to hear his voice. It was a drop everything voice, because when I heard it the person I created became real. No matter how different he was from that person, no matter how cruel and uncaring, my mind malevolently fed me this narrative that I could change this. That this was my karma for hurting him in the first place. Truly, if I loved enough if I was devoted enough, the character I was so hopelessly devoted to would appear and my story would be one of redemption. I felt as though my soul left my body and only returned when he would acknowledge my existence.
“I meant nothing to him. My spirit was crushed by his cruelty and disregard for my humanity. And I still love him. And it’s because the same man that hurt me, is not the man I fell in love with. Because the man I love never existed.”-Monique